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| Ache. If this is what it's like to love someone, I almost don't want to have anything to do with it.
The deeper I get into this relationship, the more I resent the distance and constant need.
It's suffocating, watching a lot of other couples spend time together and hold hands. During those moments I feel like just seeing him would make the jealousy stop, but I know it's a lie. I crave his touch, his smell, everything. The physical need is, of course, accompanied by other needs.
When he's with other people and I'm all alone, I start to hate everything.
In a few months everything will be more simple, but until then, I grit my teeth and clutch my pillow tighter.
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| Restart again. I realized last night while lying in bed that my second year of college will be like the first.
Boston may feel a little more like home, but I'm thrusting myself into classes with few familiar faces again. I still can't get over having to face a brand new school year without a person I clung to.
It was the same in high school, when I had to step out of my comfort zone and find another corner to secure myself in. But the older I become, the harder it is to find a new spot to root myself in.
Now I can only hold on to the memories. Once in a while I sit around wondering why I didn't just accept a college in-state, even if it isn't as prestigious.
I floundered my first year, feeling lost and losing grip far too often. I can't forget that sort of mistake even if I must forget it to move forward.
Even if my father looks me in the eye and says to my younger brother, "Don't follow your sister's example, she's just a waste of money," I must stand tall.
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| Eight. Every twenty-first of the month, I forget something.
I feel bad that in the relationship, I'm the one who forgets. But it's always nice to know that he'll remember. This month is also a very special person's birthday (LN!) and I wish I could be there for both people. Well, I wish I could be there for EVERYONE, but that's not going to happen.
Wallowing for a bit in my own misery, just being a normal teenager while I can.
How funny it is that birthdays just pass us by. I've got less than two years as a "teen," and I still haven't grown out of my terrible two's. This is especially shown when I play video games against my boyfriend.
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| Unpaired. The past two days have been good, minus an allergy attack and sleepless nights.
I jumped out of the pit that appeared when I found out I was losing a roommate and friend, and spent my time up north miniature golfing. Awkwardness aside from being a bit more distant from everyone else, I couldn't help but be jealous again while staying over at Faith's house. I sat with my friends watching a fantastic French/Japanese movie and realized that I was the only one without my significant other - one of my friends lying down next to her boyfriend, and the other close friend curled up on the couch. The next morning my allergies kept me away from them, but I was still plenty jealous.
When I return\ed to the city and met up with other friends, I felt better because many of my other friends aren't dating. However, my ex-boyfriend (if you can really call him that, we dated for a month and did nothing) was there and I felt uncomfortable updating everyone on my time in Boston, because mentioning my boyfriend felt strange. Many of them are unaware of any of my relationships anyway, so I held myself back whenever I heard something that reminded me of the one I left back east.
How strange it is, no matter where I go I'll always miss something.
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| Fingertips. We had it all. One whole year together, and I feel like I blew it.
One of my closest friends from college - a girl I only met last summer at my orientation group - is transferring to a prestigious college. It's everything her parents wanted, and what we didn't.
But I'm not going to stop her. I didn't plead, I just wished her the best. It all came down to her choice, and if it means giving up our silly moments for her to reach her full potential, I'm fine.
Even if I end up crying all night from losing a strong connection to another friend, I'm fine.
I can't imagine doing anything social next year anymore though.
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